the post that time forgot...

I found this post from years ago that I was too chickenshit to post at the time. I considered deleting it, but that would be even more cowardly, so here it is. I failed in so many areas. It was gut wrenching to find this:

I hate to argue. I have always hated arguing. My house growing up was more often than not a place of arguing, shouting and resentment. It has always been my goal that when I grew up I would not be a quarrelsome person. I think in general I have succeeded, but at times I fail like everyone does. I am especially upset with myself when arguments happen in front of the kids. It doesn't happen often, but every time it does it just kills me. I know we both have different ideas about how the kids should be raised. I am not going to rehash what happened this morning. I want to sit down and come to an agreement about what we will do going forward.

I think it is important to teach the kids the value of saving, the need to work hard and the fact that actions have consequences, but also to dream and the value of working towards those dreams. We have provided a better life for them than my parents did for me. I hope you can say the same. With Ian almost being out of the house I am really beginning to look at whether we have prepared them for the real world. Like most parents, we have succeeded in some areas and could have probably done better in others. I am becoming very aware of where I have failed Ian and I don't want to repeat that with Syd.

I have heard 'you make all your mistakes with your first born', and I am really beginning to understand that. Ian is a great young man; better than I was in most ways. My main worries are about his work ethic and his weight, especially with his family history. If the worst thing I can say about my son is that he's lazy, I think we have done a fairly good job raising him. I was lazy at his age and I turned it around, so it is something he can do too.

With Syd, I want us to teach her to save. I want us to teach her to work hard. Hard work and saving are going to matter a lot more for her than for Ian. I want us to keep her active and healthy. Most of all I want us to keep our home a happy place. I want it to be a place that she can bring friends over comfortably because it is safer for her.

Heidi, I should never make you feel that you aren't a good woman, a good wife or a good mother. You have done so much despite being so ill, and I do not thank you enough. I will from here on out complain less. Complaints do nothing to fix things and only serve to hurt people's feelings. I will not yell about the dog so much, everyone is already aware of my feelings on that. I will continue trying to pitch in more around the house. A clean house is important to me, and if it's important I need to help out too. I know I fail in these regard sometimes.

Most of all I want to spend more time with you. You looking more like yourself. I have been very happy to see you getting back to more of your true self than you have been for the last 8 months or so. It's like a fog is lifting and it makes me feel hopeful for you.

Sometimes we never learn, or worse, refuse to learn. And then it's too late.

We never did sit down and come to an agreement.

Quoteable Rogue

Came across this and had to get it down -

quotable rogue:

Comparison is the thief of joy
- Theodore Roosevelt

Tough Truths Part 1

I never set out to be a divorced dad, and I don't think anyone ever does. Unfortunately I think we don't guard against the situations that lead to so many divorces because we are to caught up in the minutiae of life. I know I didn't fortify my relationship and in the end my wife, my kids and I paid the price.

I will say "I" through this piece. It is true that in a relationship that both parties are responsible for the health of the relationship, but I am responsible for my actions and cannot speak for my exwife's. I also believe in extreme ownership, and that I am responsible for where I am in life. Thus there are always actions that I could have taken to affect the outcomes that I want. This does not mean that I knew of these at the time. In fact it has taken a lot of soul searching to see some of the areas where I went wrong, and I may never see the entirety of it. This is my attempt to examine and educate, if for no one else than myself. I do hope that sometime, somewhere, that someone else may find some help from my words.

When I look back at my life with my exwife I keep coming back to same place where we started to go wrong. It's like in the time travel movies. If you could go back and change one thing, then the rest of your life would have worked out great. This of course is the great fallacy of the premise. No one knows what would have happened if that situation had turned out different, but I do think that had I reacted in a healthier manner, that it would have had a healthier effect on both of our lives.

Our son was born soon after our first anniversary. I was still in the military and we were living in a crappy two bedroom apartment. Neither of us was really taking responsibility for our living conditions. The house was often a mess. The bills went unpaid. We were overall young and foolish and overwhelmed by life. Add post partum depression on top of that situation, and you have a little look into our life at that time. We soldiered on for the better part of a year until I got out of the military.

It was around this time that the ultimatum came. One night my exwife started packing her bags and stated that she was moving back home and taking our son with her. Back home was over 1000 miles away and somewhere I had never considered living. It was also over 1000 miles from where my family was. I should have been prepared for this because of how our wedding had gone down, but that is a subject for a different post.

That was the first worst night of my life. I was totally unprepared for this situation. My reactions were knee jerk and exactly the wrong things to do in the situation. I started with anger. I railed against her accusations and accused her of betraying everything we had talked about and planned. While some of what I was arguing about may have been true, it was not a helpful way to bring about the results I wanted. I eventually resorted to the tactics that would serve to slowly spiral us into an unhealthy and unsustainable relationship for over 20 years, and in effect doom us. I bargained and pleaded. This is vitally important. That night, I gave up any control I had in our relationship. Now I am not some he-man; I think control in a relationship waxes and wanes and should be shared. I however set a precedent that night that would be replayed many times over the years. In that moment I gave in and our relationship started down a path that would lead to divorce.

I see now, almost 25 years later that the proper response should have probably come before we ever got to that place. I should have been taking care of our relationship every day, keeping disciplined with the house and the bills, etc. That too is a post for another day. In that moment though I capitulated. It got stuck in my brain that if I did not give in, that I would lose my wife and child. The fear of that loss would be my guiding principle for far too many years. Fear is terrible basis for a relationship. I loved my wife and son so much that the thought of losing them was unbearable. I could not see what pitfalls I was setting us up for down the road.

Upside Down Poem

disclaimer: not my work...



Today was the absolute worst day ever
And don’t try to convince me that
There’s something good in every day
Because, when you take a closer look,
This world is a pretty evil place.
Even if Some goodness does shine through once in a while
Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.
And it’s not true that
It’s all in the mind and heart
Because
True happiness can be obtained
Only if one’s surroundings are good
It’s not true that good exists
I’m sure you can agree that
The reality
Creates
My attitude
It’s all beyond my control
And you’ll never in a million years hear me say that
Today was a good day

Now read from the bottom to top

https://mobile.twitter.com/ronniejoice/status/623842588546699264/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=http%3A%2F%2Fwgntv.com%2F2015%2F07%2F25%2Fteens-surprising-worst-day-ever-poem-goes-viral%2F

Quoteable, non-rogue

I had to save this. It is from the War of Art by Steven Pressfield

"The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference."

You Are A:

Neutral Good Human Ranger/Sorcerer (3rd/3rd Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength- 13
Dexterity- 13
Constitution- 16
Intelligence- 16
Wisdom- 16
Charisma- 15
Alignment:
Neutral Good- A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment when it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Primary Class:
Rangers- Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Secondary Class:
Sorcerers- Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.

---

Web page and journal code: Copy and paste the following:

I Am A: Neutral Good Human Ranger/Sorcerer (3rd/3rd Level) Ability Scores: Strength-13 Dexterity-13 Constitution-16 Intelligence-16 Wisdom-16 Charisma-15 Alignment: Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment when it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable. Race: Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like. Primary Class: Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast. Secondary Class: Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast. Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

---

Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (18)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXXXX (6)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaos --- XXXXXX (6)
Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral - XXXXXXXX (8)
Evil ---- XXXXXXX (7)
Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Dwarf ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXX (8)
Gnome ---- XXXXXX (6)
Halfling - XXXX (4)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXX (8)
Half-Orc - XXXXXX (6)
Class:
Barbarian - XXXX (4)
Bard ------ XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Cleric ---- XXXX (4)
Druid ----- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Fighter --- XXXX (4)
Monk ------ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Paladin --- XXXXXXXX (8)
Ranger ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
Rogue ----- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Sorcerer -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
Wizard ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)

 http://www.easydamus.com/character.html

The Criminally Inept and Viable Crime in Shadowbane

Just archiving this here -

The Criminally Inept and Viable Crime in Shadowbane - Zalaster (01-26-02)
Note: This Article originally appeared on Aerynth Atheneaum and is reprinted with permission from the author.

It is no surprise to anyone that knows me that discussions about rogue classes and specifically about thieves are of great interest to me. I have been known almost exclusively online as a thief character. I also will not try to snowball anyone into thinking I am unbiased about such topics. I am the guildmaster of what is most likely the oldest online thieves guild, I served as a guide and class advisor for rogue classes in a (ultimately doomed for other reasons and now defunct) MPORG during its beta and was a long standing Ring Warden for the Safehouse in EQ. I have a lot of experience and a lot of attitude and opinions about thieves and their skills. Some recent comments by Vosx on the official SB boards sent the underclass into an uproar. Worse though, is that every criminally inept player/character now seems to think they have license to spew ignorance throughout the community.

Don't get me wrong here. There are some folks that offer hope for the underclass. The Penshire Street Bakery being a prime example. Every class however has their bastard children and thief classes are not immune. Does it really matter if you can take an item out of someone's pack? To the thieves with no sense of professionalism I suppose it does. The arguing on the Shadowbane forums supports that. Take a minute however and look at things from a different angle. Shadowbane has been built with player accountability as a core concept. No one wants a game to be a grief-fest. In the end it takes little skill to 'clickpocket'. It takes even less ambition. Shadowbane is to be a game where epic tasks and battles take place. A glowing example of this through the eyes of a thief could be taken from the lore of the sword Shadowbane. The recounting of its theft from the dwarves is one of my favorite pieces of Shadowbane lore. An adventure like that is what I have been searching for in a game.

Unfortunately though it seems the current tidal wave of moronic outbursts about thievery may wash away that hope. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but it is just as likely to be taken off and discarded as something that cannot be fixed. What I am saying is calm yourselves and make intelligent comments when appropriate. Be part of a solution and not part of the cacophonous whine. When I see people post things such as "Wouldn't it r0x to be able to pickpocket all that guys stuff without him knowing" it makes me want to make a minotaur warrior and find the little punk and stampede his toon into oblivion once the game goes commercial. Being a thief means weighing the risk to reward ratio in every situation. Thieves are not made to fight with. They may be the masters of the dirty tricks/dark lighting/close quarters/ambush type fight. This is great as WP has stated all along that each class will have a situation in which they should hold the favor in. Due to their general ineffectiveness in direct combat the thief needs to weigh his larcenous opportunities carefully.

There are three main thresholds in larceny failing, succeeding but being immediately discovered and success. Lets say that 50% of all thefts are foiled. Of the remaining 50% nearly all successful thefts leave evidence which may eventually lead to the capture of the thief. There is only at most a 2 in 10 chance of pulling off a theft that will be more beneficial than detrimental to the actual perpetrator. Is it any wonder that organized crime operates the way it does? The real money is in using the fear of future crimes, brutality or other loss to extort money from legitimate businesses... Keep this in mind you aspiring thieves guilds. Back to the point though, theft mechanisms in a game should have at least this rating of difficulty to discourage the amatures. That is the first mistake most games make. They make it far too easy to steal, and far too light a set of consequences if you are caught. Set the bar very high and you eliminate a lot of griefers right there. If it is very difficult and involved to steal, then it will happen infrequently. (Sounds like something I heard about sieges once.) Let the folks whining about pickpocketting chew on that for a while.

Pickpocketting has added very little value to any game. It is just another method by which to push a button and add to you inventory. It is not like true pickpocketting. Game mechanics can never match the intricacies and contingencies that a true pickpocket operates within. I deeply believe that pickpocketting is the single biggest reason for the plight of the thief class in MMORPG's today. It is far too easy to index levels and skills and perform a yes/no function (that is too easy and thus overused) to placate thieves or ban it outright then it is to build things that approach the reality of pickpocketting. The other thing that games do not take into account is the time/frequency factor of pickpocketting. Most games as soon as your button relights you can try again with the same victim. A professional pickpocket would never do this or overwork an area. Imagine this as if the game allowed you to attempt to pickpocket randomly up to 5 times per 24 hour period and not allowing you to attempt to pickpocket the same victim twice. (Better yet - don't tell the masses about autofailing after X attempts or multiple attempts on the same victim and let the foolhardy amateurs pay dearly for their stupidity.) Its too difficult to code and there are too many things for a developer/designer to think about to waste that many resources on an action that in general has very little overall beneficial effect in the game. So heck with it, keep pickpocketting out, I am fine with it.

I have read and been very impressed with the PSB's strongbox/safe idea. I have also made my own post on ways to lessen or eliminate grief from theft. I will not restate them here, but take the time to look at them if you wish. I admit that I personally believe that a thief without theft should not be named a thief. To me to have a thief class as opposed to a mugger or some other moniker, that class has to have a method by which to take goods, moneys or information against the owner's will without necessitating the use of force. Information theft is much more the arena for spies or infiltrators so I will not address that here. The theft of goods and moneys however have some traditional factors that are often overlooked.

The grandtheft of money is usually followed by the immediate self imposed banishment of the perpetrator or by the voluntary hiding of the jackpot until such a time as it is safe to access it. Those thieves that do not abide either of these are generally caught and pay a high price for their actions. The theft of goods requires the fencing of these items since you do not want them in your possession should the authorities or owners come calling. A fence generally gives no more than a small percentage of the items actual worth. The other limiting factor to theft is demographics. To take an example, in one of the old DMG's from D&D there were guidelines to how many thieves could operate in a area for a given amount of population. A corollary could be if the number of thieves in a world fragment, nation, town, etc. exceeded a certain ratio then all the guard/protector type NPC's (other than those directly owned by a thieves guild) could go auto KOS on thief class characters. Look at it like Rudy Giuliani's tenure as NY mayor only more lethal.

With any number of things such as demographic controls, required time investments to effect a theft, truly high difficulty thresholds, denied access to TOL's, denied access to funds, denied direct use of stolen items and NPC fences much can be made of checks and balances to theft. Anything less than Guild vs. Guild grand-thefts (The crime equivalent to sieges perhaps?) should not be pursued to my way of thinking. Another way to look at it is this: pickpocketting is the thiefly tradeskill. Since tradeskills are not going to be in Shadowbane why should pickpocketting? Who knows. maybe the fence NPC that the Thieve's Band is already said to have is slated to be a hireling that doesn't make a set type of item, but has the ability to 'produce' a variety of items to represent what normal petty crime would draw from the resources of the area and redistribute. Of course you could expect that there would be an offset in the maintenance cost of this kind of NPC. We could sit here and speculate all day like this though.

Many, many of us hope for a game where there is an actual 'thief' archetype, even though some individual's perception of what that entails may differ. Whether this is the game that finally gets thieves right is yet to be seen. Shadowbane is Wolfpack's baby though. I may make a suggestion from time to time, but I wouldn't tell them what they have to do. I suggest all you wanna-be l33t thieves don't either. Maybe then we thieves won't be seen as just griefers who don't kill. Then again, maybe I hope for too much from my fellow criminals and the community as a whole.

~

Talk it over with other 'canters' here.

The Legacy of NWN, Elvis and Human Nature - Zalaster (7-31-00)

I wrote this back in 2000 and I am just archiving it here.

The Legacy of NWN, Elvis and Human Nature - Zalaster (7-31-00)

Note: This Article originally appeared on our Shadowbane Affiliate Site, Aerynth Atheneaum
This morning I was chatting online with Greyden Winter, member and former GM of PRoW. (Which used to be called the Pirates of Neverwinter back in the day.) At one point in our conversation he asked me, "Why is everyone so determined to hold onto NWN?"
My reply, with little real thought, was: "Not to hold onto NWN the game, but a community of like-minded folks, friends." It continued on for a length after that, but you understand the general direction I took.
While what I said is essentially true, throughout the day I kept coming back to that question. Then it struck me. Many of the attitudes of oNWN’ers (to borrow a term from another development company’s message boards) mimic those of the fans of rock stars who died in their prime. It seems human nature to want more from a good experience. Let me take Jim Morrison as my first example.
Denial
While I was in the Navy, I had a friend that was a devoted Doors/Jim Morrison fan. He would quite convincingly argue that there was no evidence beyond the death certificate that Jim Morrison was dead. He would continue on to say that the only people to see Jim’s body were his wife and the coroner, and that since his wife disappeared a few years later, it was probably a cover up and that they were living together somewhere in South America. While I have no clue whether any of what he said was true, he went into so many elaborate details that it sounded plausible.
When NWN initially was shut down, a common outcry was that AOL would rue their mistake and welcome us back soon. Then when it was clear that this wouldn’t happen; some thought of bringing legal action, thereby either forcing AOL to reopen the gates or imposing punitive damage upon AOL. Both were the products of the denial that the fate of our beloved game was not under our control. In some corners of the now far-flung community, denial still runs rampant. Denial and its close cousin Anger are often the first emotions to surface.
Anger
The conspiracy gurus have it in for Courtney Love. Quite obviously, I presume to their way of thinking, since Kurt Cobain was bopping along quite nicely and screaming out the songs they loved while single, that once he got married and died from a shotgun blast to the head it was his wife’s fault. Depending on the source, she did everything from driving him to it to actually pulling the trigger. She is the target of a great deal of misplaced anger.
The NWN fan-base expressed many corporate conspiracies (though not nearly as outrageous as the Courtney Love theories above)that ‘proved’ how AOL, TSR, the game staff, the CIA, or whatever group the particular mouthpiece was angry with, were using this as a ploy to further their own nefarious ends. I’ll let you all in on a secret, 99% of the companies/developers out there are looking to make some kind of profit. (I love those ForgottenWorld folks though for bucking the trend.) This kind of anger is understandable, up to a point. When people are faced with the loss of something beloved, they naturally seek out someone to blame and vilify. In time signs of the wound may remain, but it is usually covered by something else.
Unadulterated Nostalgia
Look at the fans of Elvis. They don’t care that their idol had gotten fat and old or that he hardly ever performed anymore. They don’t care about anything but the memories they have of days gone by and the experiences they had. All the oddities and bizarreness that were part of Elvis are either forgotten or enshrined. He is on their walls, in all his oil on velvet glory, looking how they want him to look. He is and always will be the King to them.
This is the category that most of us oNWN’ers are in nowadays. Nearly forgotten are the memories of not being able to get in because AOL went unlimited and the game held a mere 500 at a time. The drac lines, being passed hacked items and landing in jail, long queues at events and any other number of frustrations that just drove us crazy are fast becoming fuzzy in the collective mind. The ability to look objectively at what was going on with the game and where it was headed has become more difficult with each passing year. I say this nearly three years to the day from the closing. What is vivid in the mind is the death matches won, pearl items earned, whom you slaved, the first LS+3 (long sword +3 for the uninitiated) you stole, or whatever is fond to you. Lets take a look at what the interim has taught us though.
A Legacy of Nerf
When AOL went unlimited it strained the seams of the entire network. The influx affected NWN greatly. It was increasingly difficult to get into the game. The game was besieged by newbies, and I'm not talking about people just new to the game. I mean the people who would never learn. The game could not have survived as an 'everything for everyone' enterprise without changes. There was already the institution of no jumpers allowed on certain quests, even though the quest was in a PvP zone, and a growing trend towards nerfing.
I believe that had the game continued it would have become spoken of as many speak about UO and EQ today. The mushrooming of the number of players and the collective cacophony of whine that is generated by those numbers has had that effect in most every game that has tried to be everything for everyone. I know of only a few graphical ORPG’s that have had the balls to not try to live up to the mediocrity of this model: Shadowbane and ForgottenWorld, two entirely different games, both of which are still in development.
Acceptance?
Because NWN was cut down in its prime, so to speak, we are left with our nostalgia intact. NWN will always be more akin to the legendary Jimi Hendrix than the graying (and frequent victim of comedians everywhere) Keith Richards.
Now, please don’t misinterpret what I am about to say. If I had the option, I would play NWN just as it was when I started, minus the $200-$300 monthly AOL bills of course… In the end, I will steal a phrase from Def Leppard and add my own twist to it. I say about Neverwinter Nights: "it’s better to burn out, then to be nerfed away."

Discuss: Comments

First brew in the new place (or happy birthday to me)

I woke up at 6am this morning because I wanted to brew some beer and beat the 98 degree temps that are forecast for today. To simplify things I made an extract pale ale. I used 7lbs of light dry malt extract that I picked up at the new homebrew store, BIY, in Marion. I had a bunch of hops laying around in the freezer, so I threw in 2 oz of 17%AA Columbus hops. Since it is all extract, I only did a 15 minutes boil.

The big snag was cooling the wort. I was washing off my immersion chiller when I noticed the pipe was burst in several spots. It must have had water in it that froze over the winter. No big deal, I took an old laundry tub and filled it half full with water. Once I was done with the boil, I put the kettle in this water. Since we have such a hyperactive ice maker, I took the entire tray, probably over a pound of ice and dumped it into the water bath to help provide a little more cooling. In an hour of so I will throw the kettle into my brew fridge and hopefully it will cool down enough to pitch yeast by tonight.

Not super in depth brewing, but it will get something into my keg in a few weeks. I will probably dry-hop it with some home grown Cascade hops, yum.

Besides, there are only a few ways I'd rather spend my birthday than brewing up some beer on a beautiful morning.

Sláinte

It's what's for breakfast!

Part of trying to lose weight is eating better. Part of life is being close to payday but not there yet, LOL. So for breakfast today I made something between a quiche and a casserole. I took some sausage, green peppers and onion, and fried them up. I then cooked some broccoli that is getting a little old, but is still good. I put that all into a pie pan and poured some whipped eggs with a tiny bit of salt over meat and veggies. Stuck it in the over for a while. I sprinkled some parmesan cheese on top, put it under the broiler for a minute and voile! I have a somewhat healthy breakfast for today and the next few days.

Weight-loss Challenge 2012

Each year my employer runs a weight loss challenge. Last year I finally decided to join a team. It's been a few years since I lost over 120 lbs on Atkins, and since I went off it, the weight has crept back on. I did it last year in hopes of running a 5k by the end of it, but I overdid things with poor footwear and ended up giving myself plantar fasciitis. This had made me less likely to be active, which in turn undid all my work last year in losing weight.

This year I decided try again, but to be smarter about things. I started by getting shoes for work, since I stand all day long. I can't say enough about my Docker's dress shoes. That has made a huge change. My feet hurt a lot less.

I joined a new team this year, and tried a new strategy. Instead of walking or jogging like I did last year, I have been swimming. I have not really been dieting per se. I have been making some better choices in what I eat, mainly cutting back on unnecessary carbs, especially white foods (processed sugar, flour and milk.) The biggest thing is only eating if I am hungry. Have I overeaten using this strategy, sure. The results so far have been good though. I have 25 hours of activity. (We only need 35, so I am over halfway there.) Most telling however is that I have lost 20 lbs in the last 2 months. As we go down the stretch here, I plan to quit the eating before bed, this should give me a huge boost, since it is one of my worst habits.

Last year our team lost first place by a quarter of a pound. So far there are 3 of us in the top 10 for individual weightloss, and next week hopefully it will be 4 out of the 5 of us. I like that it is a competition, because it is much more motivating for me.

Green Thumb II

Here are some pic from my little patio container garden.

 Habenero peppers in the bottom pot

 Jalapenos in the front tan pots, hops in the second row.

 Green bell peppers in the front row and cucumber in the hanging pot. (Willamette hops in the wooden pot.)

 Red Onions

2 garlic bulbs (in with a cascade hop plant)

 Red Bell Pepper

Finally, my topsy-turvy tomatoes which have some promising blossoms. I am very lazy, and my ice maker makes far more ice than we will ever use. So I pile up a bunch of ice on top of the topsy-turvy. As it slowly melts, it acts as a lazy man's drip irrigation system.

Green Thumb 2012

It's been a crazy 2012 so far, maybe I will write some about it later, but for now we're on to the garden -

The garden this year is a bit of a mess with the move, but I have 4 hops bines in containers that have survived the move in various states. The willamette, which never took off at the old house, is the one hop plant that survived the move well. It is up it's rope about 5 feet and the leaves are green and healthy. My top cascade bine was up over 15 feet when we moved, and it died off, so I cut the bines off at about one foot. I thought it might be dead for good, but in the last couple days, new shoots have started and it is growing well again. The jury is still out on the goldings. It looks okay, but is not really growing. I do not expect a harvest from any of them this year, but there is promise for next year.

We have some veggies planted too. The bell pepper seeds I saved from a store bought pepper never took off, so that was disappointing. I have 2 tomato topsy turveys that are going well though. I just planted garlic, onions and cucumbers in containers as well. I am keeping my fingers crossed on those. We might plant a few herbs too, some chives and cilantro maybe.

Other than that, Heidi's rosebush is thriving in it's new container. It has two big flowers forming. Her begonias and marigolds are looking promising too. So far so good.

The patio is a little messy from me planting the onions and garlic just now, so there probably won't be pictures until there are some results to see.

God Bless You, Mr Vonnegut

Putting this here so I don't lose it again.

“Thus did a handful of rapacious citizens come to control all that was worth controlling in America. Thus was the savage and stupid and entirely inappropriate and unnecessary and humorless American class system created. Honest, industrious, peaceful citizens were classed as bloodsuckers, if they asked to be paid a living wage. And they saw that praise was reserved henceforth for those who devised means of getting paid enormously for committing crimes against which no laws had been passed. Thus the American dream turned belly up, turned green, bobbed to the scummy surface of cupidity unlimited, filled with gas, went bang in the noonday sun.”
- Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You Mr. Rosewater

The First of Many (I Hope)

With it being my day off and the weather being so beautiful, I took Heidi for a true ride on the bike today. She has been out with me before on the bike, but those were short little rides around town. They were nice and all, but I wanted to see how a long ride would go. I switched out seats on the bike and moved the top luggage attachment back to make things more comfortable a couple days ago. It had been deemed a successful adjustment already.

After I brought Heidi home from dialysis (and then some futzing around with the clutch switch) we were off. We took off through town and out Rt 6 enjoying the sun and wind, well I was at least. The wind was making her a little cold, so she put her hands inside her sleeves. We rode out to through Tiffin, Oxford and Homestead and then north into Amana. I go out to Millstream Brewery whenever I get a chance, so we stopped there. I tried their newest Brewmaster series beer, a rye helles dopplebock. It was very good. Since we had the luggage on the bike, I bought a 4 pack to bring home.

By this time Heidi was very hungry so we rode south through Homestead, South Amana and then into Marengo to check out Fat Daddy's. Unfortunately for us, and for Fat Daddy's, they are not open for lunch on weekdays however. We decided on the Landmark Restaurant in Williamsburg instead, so we took off back through Marengo and then south through Conroy (where I bought the old bike) and into Williamsburg. We almost stopped at Fireside Winery, but I know how hungry Heidi gets after dialysis, so I decided it would be better to get her some food instead. Lunch was fairly good, a patty melt for me and Heidi got a favorite of hers, a hot beef open-faced sandwich with potatoes and gravy. After a piece of fruit of the forest pie (every fruit they have in one pie I think) Heidi started looking pretty tired though.

We decided to skip the winery and just come home. I could tell Heidi was really tired because she agreed to come home on the interstate, which kinda scares her on the bike. The wind was a little stronger on such an open road, but I just took it easy, keeping it at about 65-70, and just let traffic pass us. It was an easy 25 miles home. Once we got home, Heidi managed to take the dog for a short walk before falling asleep in the easy chair.

Thank you hon for an excellent day, and I hope a glimpse of some of what we will be doing once the kids are out of the house. Next time I will try to get out on a Tuesday so Heidi isn't so wiped out from dialysis though. That way we can leave earlier and trek out further. Now I think we may be taking Syd to see Soul Surfer, which is alright by me too.

Hit Somebody

This is not mine. This is Kevin Smith's from here. It is part of a scene he is writing for Hit Somebody. (The part of Blue Jay is being written with John Goodman in mind.) I'm posting it in case it does not make the final film because I think it deserves to be preserved. So, much like the case with the American Gods 'I believe' post, it may not be roguish but it is highly quotable:

BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
When you’re an adult, life’s not very fun anymore, kid. They expect productivity. And the pressure that comes with expectation of any kind - the stress and the anger and the jealousy…
Over a lifetime?
(mimes a heart attack; then)
But that doesn’t happen to hockey players. Know why?

Buddy shakes his head. Blue Jay points to the barn.

BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
Hockey players are allowed to beat people up.

Buddy’s taken back by this. Blue Jay nods.

BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
They take out their troubles on the ice. They take it out on the puck, or some sumbitch ain’t got his head up. For two minutes, all that stuff us mere mortals gotta deal with as thinking organisms on a cold rock in space that doesn’t care whether we hang on or spin off into the Milky Way? The stuff most people call “real life”? For two minutes , a hockey player gets to skate it all away. You can’t drop gloves on life, kid - but in The Game? They’ll cheer you if you do. Because they all know what a struggle… what a fight life can be. And when they see you take a swing - with your stick or a good right hook - they feel like you’re taking a swing for them. And lots of people will tell you that ain’t right. But brother?,
(whispers)
There ain’t nothin’ righter.

Blue Jay winks and smiles widely at Buddy.

Well said... ttfn

Maibock, or Long time, no post

My blogging tends to wax and wane with my brewing, and since I am blogging I must have started brewing. Yesterday was my first brew day of 2011. With the nicer weather I got out on the deck and got the brewing equipment all set up. (It occurs to me just now as I am writing that I forgot to empty the spent grains from my mash tun, dammit!)

It was a day of firsts as a matter of fact. I brewed my first lager yesterday. I am not a very big lager fan. I usually prefer ales, but I really like maibocks. A maibock is a helles lager brewed to bock strength. So it's as strong as traditional bock but is lighter in color and with more hop presence. It is a fairly recent development compared to other styles of bock beers, frequently associated with springtime and the month of May. Color can range from deep gold to light amber with alcohol content ranges from 6.3% to 7.4% by volume. The flavor is typically less malty than a traditional bock, with a mild spicy or peppery quality from the hops, increased carbonation and alcohol content.

My grist bill was simple with 13# of pilsner malt and .5# of CaraHell malt. In brewing this I did a step mash for the first time. I did a 20 minute protein rest at ~122°, a 30 minute beta amylase rest at ~148° and a 30 minute alpha amylase rest at ~155°. I skipped the mashout because I briefly considered topping the mash with more malt and doing a Belgian tripel as well, but changed my mind as it was getting later in the day. I added 1# of rice hulls to avoid a stuck sparge and it's good that I did because my ghetto/DIY grain mill still grinds too fine. I got about 70% efficiency but I used a bit more water than I should have with the step mashes. This means I came in about 5 gravity points lower than I had planned, so a long boil and a half pound of DME got me up to 1.062, just a tiny bit lower than I planned. This should put it at about 6.3% ABV, so it will still be within the specs for the style.

I did a 90 minute boil as you should when using pilsner malt. I added 5 drops of Fermcap-S at the start to help avoid boil overs. It did pretty good until I walked away with about 10 minutes left to get the carboy ready. A tiny boil over happened as soon as I turned my back. Hops additions were fairly simple. I used 1 oz. Mt Hood (5.2 AA) for the bittering charge for 60 minutes. I used 1 oz. Hersbrucker (3.5 AA) for aroma and flavor additions for 30 and 15 minutes each. I also added Irish moss at 15 minutes remaining to help with clarity. Cooling went quickly, getting it down to 75° within 25 minutes with my immersion chiller. I then transferred to the carboy and stuck it in my fermentation fridge that has a temp controller set at 54° (thanks for the controller for Xmas mom!) for final cooling over night.

This afternoon it was at a nice 55° so I pitched 3 packets of Saflager 23 dry yeast and shook the hell out of it to aerate it. Hopefully it will be bubbling nicely in the morning. When it's done in about 6 weeks I plan to keg it up. In the meantime I have 7# of pilsner malt and am itching to get a Belgian ale going as well. I think I need a 2nd keg...

Change of Seasons

Fall has turned pretty hard here. When I woke up and it was below freezing this morning. I'm glad we took Yomoma (the pickup truck) in to the shop yesterday. I don't feel like riding the bike in this cold. Over the last couple weeks we have done some other things to get ready for the winter.

We had the fall trash amnesty day at the beginning of the month. A lot of crap got thrown out. There was such a huge pile of stuff that our neighbors kept asking if we were moving. I explained that it was a biannual chance to throw away anything big and not pay extra for it, so a few of them went to hurriedly do the same. The week after that I cleaned out the garage, which took a whole day. Of course I came across a number of items I wish I had thrown out the week before. I will try to reverse that order in the spring.

With the broken (post-flood, free) couch thrown out, we rearranged the living room with chairs instead of a couch. We already had one recliner, so I brought up the recliner that was down in Ian's room and brought down the bent-wood chair from our room. We even found a tv tray, so the old folks living room effect is complete.

I took down the hops and cleaned up the back yard some. The English hops got a lot of root system developed this year, but no yield to speak of, though I could have gotten maybe a half ounce of Goldings if they hadn't have grown in with the Cascades. The bigger root system will be good I hope for when I transplant them to the south side of the garage in the spring. Ian is planning to have a little get together out by the hops beds with the fire pit and some friends now that it is clear.

With the hops down, the birdfeeders went back up. It took about a week but there is much activity out there now. At the birdfeeders this morning: house and gold finches, cardinals, dark-eyed juncos, chickadees, hairy and red-bellied woodpeckers, and of course the rats with wings - house sparrows. Commonly we have mourning doves and once in while a hairy woodpecker. Some new ones have stopped by recently though, the carolina wren (that peachy colored bird as Heidi calls it) and the tufted titmouse. It's pretty relaxing to sit here and watch the birds out on the deck.

I made up a couple of beers, one for the season and one just to experiment a bit. I made a spiced pumpkin ale for the holidays. It's a bigger beer with a hefty dose of pumpkin and spice to it as well as some dark brown sugar to round it out some. I just moved that into the fridge to cold crash it before I bottle it next week. The other is a cream ale that I made using the same recipe as the one that I won at the state fair with, except I substituted 2 pounds of air popped popcorn in place of some of the malted barley. I am pretty excited to see how this comes out. Once I get some room in the fridge after these two are done, I think it is time to try a lager and a belgian beer. I have 20 pounds of pilsner malt standing by for those.

Heidi seems to be doing well with dialysis. She's gotten more accustomed to the early mornings, meaning I'm not the one waking her up anymore. She still get terrible muscle cramps on the days she does dialysis. Hopefully some medicine changes will help with that. She does have more energy and seems to be more of herself lately. It is really good to see her eyes brighter and her smiling more than she has in a long time. Next week is her transplant reevaluation, so here's hoping it all goes well.

Syd is busy with Girls on the Run and next week hockey will start back up. She also has started going to a church group called Awana Club. She really seems to enjoy it. Ian is still job searching and gearing up for driver's ed. He went to school as Silent Bob today. Heidi straightened his hair last night and he looked so different. We will be leaving soon to bring Syd her gangster girl costume and cupcakes for the class. It's kinda sad that this is the last elementary Halloween party (or the politically correct termed Autumn Parade) that we will have with our kids. They are getting so much older.

Anyways, that's all for now I think, except I found a Quotable Rogue:

"A friend to the locals who dabbled in crime.
He'd give you a job and he'd give you his time.
He wasn't a crook, but he couldn't be conned.
John knew the difference between right and wrong."
- Ken Casey, Dropkick Murphys - Boys on the Docks

P.S. Two things:

All Hallow's Read, a cool idea, especially for kids,

Also there is a Live Benefit Concert for Kai Patterson-Stark a freshman cheerleader at West High that suffered a spinal stroke on September 9th leaving her paralyzed from the waist down. After four weeks in the hospital and rehabilitation, she has returned home, but has a long road ahead of her.

Where does the time go?

Seventeen years ago today I was eagerly awaiting the birth of my son. I was just getting off of weekend duty (the midwatch no less) on Old Ironsides. I was on the quarterdeck and got the call that the doctors could not wait any longer, they had to do an emergency C-section before my wife's kidneys completely shut down. Within 20 minutes I was signed out on leave and flying down Storrow Drive at literally 90 miles an hour.

When I got to the hospital I was given some scrubs by a nurse and shown to a room to change in. She said they would be back to get me as soon as they were ready for me. I changed very quickly and sat down to wait. I was asleep within 10 minutes. (Did I mention that I had the midwatch the night before?) In their haste to get my son out, the doctors and nurses forgot about me until they were well underway. They only remembered after my wife asked where I was. They quickly came and woke me up, and brought me into the operating room.

I don't think I can adequately describe the feeling of walking in and seeing my wife's insides tied up and held on top of her chest. I had a very primal urge to slug the doctors for doing such a profane thing to my wife. However I went to her side and held her hand as the doctors wrestled with my son trying to get him out. My wife was not taking the whole thing very well and really started yelling in pain. The anesthesiologist attempted to be helpful. He first tried to calm her by comparing what the doctors were doing to playing greased watermelon. (For you midwest folks, this is a rugby-like game played in the water with a watermelon that is greased up with Crisco. I hear it is similar to a greased pig contest, though not as dirty.) This analogy had the opposite effect on my wife however. Her eyes went wide, and she started screaming in earnest. At this point the anesthesiologist pulled out his last trick in his arsenal and gassed my wife with nitrous. This muffled her screeching fairly effectively.

I try to tell this with some humor now because at the time it was terrifying. I am sleep deprived and in a room with my wife opened up. Her blood is pooled on the floor. She is screaming in pain, and I am powerless to help her. All I can do is pray that she is going to be okay, and I have never been much of a praying man. At this point my son is still an abstract thought.

Finally they pull him out and I see him taken over to a separate table. I tell my wife but she is still getting gassed at this point. He is here, but it doesn't seem real yet. After a few minutes they bring him over and put him in my arms. The ever helpful anesthesiologist stops gassing my wife and takes a snapshot of me all bleary eyed as I try not cry looking down at this small bundle in my arms. This is when reality crashes down and I realize I am a father. All my hopes and fears for my wife are multiplied now by my hopes and worries about my son. He has these big bright blotches on his head and body. My wife later calls them angel kisses, but being young and a man I have no clue what that means. I am just hoping they are benign. He is huge, swollen with water weight from my wife's gestational diabetes, but absolutely beautiful.

It seems like just yesterday to me right now. We have gone through a lot with him, but 17 years has flown by. This is his last birthday with us as a child. This is really stinging me now. I hope I have been at least half the father I hoped and tried to be. You are a great kid Ian Jacob. You have shown a lot of character that I never had at your age. Though I will miss my little fishing buddy, I look forward to you becoming a great man. Happy 17th Ian Jacob