the post that time forgot...

I found this post from years ago that I was too chickenshit to post at the time. I considered deleting it, but that would be even more cowardly, so here it is. I failed in so many areas. It was gut wrenching to find this:

I hate to argue. I have always hated arguing. My house growing up was more often than not a place of arguing, shouting and resentment. It has always been my goal that when I grew up I would not be a quarrelsome person. I think in general I have succeeded, but at times I fail like everyone does. I am especially upset with myself when arguments happen in front of the kids. It doesn't happen often, but every time it does it just kills me. I know we both have different ideas about how the kids should be raised. I am not going to rehash what happened this morning. I want to sit down and come to an agreement about what we will do going forward.

I think it is important to teach the kids the value of saving, the need to work hard and the fact that actions have consequences, but also to dream and the value of working towards those dreams. We have provided a better life for them than my parents did for me. I hope you can say the same. With Ian almost being out of the house I am really beginning to look at whether we have prepared them for the real world. Like most parents, we have succeeded in some areas and could have probably done better in others. I am becoming very aware of where I have failed Ian and I don't want to repeat that with Syd.

I have heard 'you make all your mistakes with your first born', and I am really beginning to understand that. Ian is a great young man; better than I was in most ways. My main worries are about his work ethic and his weight, especially with his family history. If the worst thing I can say about my son is that he's lazy, I think we have done a fairly good job raising him. I was lazy at his age and I turned it around, so it is something he can do too.

With Syd, I want us to teach her to save. I want us to teach her to work hard. Hard work and saving are going to matter a lot more for her than for Ian. I want us to keep her active and healthy. Most of all I want us to keep our home a happy place. I want it to be a place that she can bring friends over comfortably because it is safer for her.

Heidi, I should never make you feel that you aren't a good woman, a good wife or a good mother. You have done so much despite being so ill, and I do not thank you enough. I will from here on out complain less. Complaints do nothing to fix things and only serve to hurt people's feelings. I will not yell about the dog so much, everyone is already aware of my feelings on that. I will continue trying to pitch in more around the house. A clean house is important to me, and if it's important I need to help out too. I know I fail in these regard sometimes.

Most of all I want to spend more time with you. You looking more like yourself. I have been very happy to see you getting back to more of your true self than you have been for the last 8 months or so. It's like a fog is lifting and it makes me feel hopeful for you.

Sometimes we never learn, or worse, refuse to learn. And then it's too late.

We never did sit down and come to an agreement.

Quoteable Rogue

Came across this and had to get it down -

quotable rogue:

Comparison is the thief of joy
- Theodore Roosevelt

Tough Truths Part 1

I never set out to be a divorced dad, and I don't think anyone ever does. Unfortunately I think we don't guard against the situations that lead to so many divorces because we are to caught up in the minutiae of life. I know I didn't fortify my relationship and in the end my wife, my kids and I paid the price.

I will say "I" through this piece. It is true that in a relationship that both parties are responsible for the health of the relationship, but I am responsible for my actions and cannot speak for my exwife's. I also believe in extreme ownership, and that I am responsible for where I am in life. Thus there are always actions that I could have taken to affect the outcomes that I want. This does not mean that I knew of these at the time. In fact it has taken a lot of soul searching to see some of the areas where I went wrong, and I may never see the entirety of it. This is my attempt to examine and educate, if for no one else than myself. I do hope that sometime, somewhere, that someone else may find some help from my words.

When I look back at my life with my exwife I keep coming back to same place where we started to go wrong. It's like in the time travel movies. If you could go back and change one thing, then the rest of your life would have worked out great. This of course is the great fallacy of the premise. No one knows what would have happened if that situation had turned out different, but I do think that had I reacted in a healthier manner, that it would have had a healthier effect on both of our lives.

Our son was born soon after our first anniversary. I was still in the military and we were living in a crappy two bedroom apartment. Neither of us was really taking responsibility for our living conditions. The house was often a mess. The bills went unpaid. We were overall young and foolish and overwhelmed by life. Add post partum depression on top of that situation, and you have a little look into our life at that time. We soldiered on for the better part of a year until I got out of the military.

It was around this time that the ultimatum came. One night my exwife started packing her bags and stated that she was moving back home and taking our son with her. Back home was over 1000 miles away and somewhere I had never considered living. It was also over 1000 miles from where my family was. I should have been prepared for this because of how our wedding had gone down, but that is a subject for a different post.

That was the first worst night of my life. I was totally unprepared for this situation. My reactions were knee jerk and exactly the wrong things to do in the situation. I started with anger. I railed against her accusations and accused her of betraying everything we had talked about and planned. While some of what I was arguing about may have been true, it was not a helpful way to bring about the results I wanted. I eventually resorted to the tactics that would serve to slowly spiral us into an unhealthy and unsustainable relationship for over 20 years, and in effect doom us. I bargained and pleaded. This is vitally important. That night, I gave up any control I had in our relationship. Now I am not some he-man; I think control in a relationship waxes and wanes and should be shared. I however set a precedent that night that would be replayed many times over the years. In that moment I gave in and our relationship started down a path that would lead to divorce.

I see now, almost 25 years later that the proper response should have probably come before we ever got to that place. I should have been taking care of our relationship every day, keeping disciplined with the house and the bills, etc. That too is a post for another day. In that moment though I capitulated. It got stuck in my brain that if I did not give in, that I would lose my wife and child. The fear of that loss would be my guiding principle for far too many years. Fear is terrible basis for a relationship. I loved my wife and son so much that the thought of losing them was unbearable. I could not see what pitfalls I was setting us up for down the road.

Upside Down Poem

disclaimer: not my work...



Today was the absolute worst day ever
And don’t try to convince me that
There’s something good in every day
Because, when you take a closer look,
This world is a pretty evil place.
Even if Some goodness does shine through once in a while
Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.
And it’s not true that
It’s all in the mind and heart
Because
True happiness can be obtained
Only if one’s surroundings are good
It’s not true that good exists
I’m sure you can agree that
The reality
Creates
My attitude
It’s all beyond my control
And you’ll never in a million years hear me say that
Today was a good day

Now read from the bottom to top

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