the post that time forgot...

I found this post from years ago that I was too chickenshit to post at the time. I considered deleting it, but that would be even more cowardly, so here it is. I failed in so many areas. It was gut wrenching to find this:

I hate to argue. I have always hated arguing. My house growing up was more often than not a place of arguing, shouting and resentment. It has always been my goal that when I grew up I would not be a quarrelsome person. I think in general I have succeeded, but at times I fail like everyone does. I am especially upset with myself when arguments happen in front of the kids. It doesn't happen often, but every time it does it just kills me. I know we both have different ideas about how the kids should be raised. I am not going to rehash what happened this morning. I want to sit down and come to an agreement about what we will do going forward.

I think it is important to teach the kids the value of saving, the need to work hard and the fact that actions have consequences, but also to dream and the value of working towards those dreams. We have provided a better life for them than my parents did for me. I hope you can say the same. With Ian almost being out of the house I am really beginning to look at whether we have prepared them for the real world. Like most parents, we have succeeded in some areas and could have probably done better in others. I am becoming very aware of where I have failed Ian and I don't want to repeat that with Syd.

I have heard 'you make all your mistakes with your first born', and I am really beginning to understand that. Ian is a great young man; better than I was in most ways. My main worries are about his work ethic and his weight, especially with his family history. If the worst thing I can say about my son is that he's lazy, I think we have done a fairly good job raising him. I was lazy at his age and I turned it around, so it is something he can do too.

With Syd, I want us to teach her to save. I want us to teach her to work hard. Hard work and saving are going to matter a lot more for her than for Ian. I want us to keep her active and healthy. Most of all I want us to keep our home a happy place. I want it to be a place that she can bring friends over comfortably because it is safer for her.

Heidi, I should never make you feel that you aren't a good woman, a good wife or a good mother. You have done so much despite being so ill, and I do not thank you enough. I will from here on out complain less. Complaints do nothing to fix things and only serve to hurt people's feelings. I will not yell about the dog so much, everyone is already aware of my feelings on that. I will continue trying to pitch in more around the house. A clean house is important to me, and if it's important I need to help out too. I know I fail in these regard sometimes.

Most of all I want to spend more time with you. You looking more like yourself. I have been very happy to see you getting back to more of your true self than you have been for the last 8 months or so. It's like a fog is lifting and it makes me feel hopeful for you.

Sometimes we never learn, or worse, refuse to learn. And then it's too late.

We never did sit down and come to an agreement.